It's been a couple of rough days, blog. I'm sorry I missed updating you on my travel experiences as I journey to discovery land. I guess it is only the nature of things for a human being to have up days and down days. Well, blog, you can say there is down and then there is sad and down.
I say sad, because it feels so much like a violation when disappointment stems from being cheated, at least what looks, talks and acts like cheating. It hurts. It is a stab in the heart. It makes your eye sockets feel hot and red and sore.
I really investigated the deepest portals of my mind [not just for five minutes] for hours and hours before logging my thoughts with you, blog. If I have ever cheated another human being, I want to scream from the rooftops, I am so sorry. If I recall any incidents of my wrongdoing, I will make restitution. But as the snapshots of my life flash before my eyes, I honestly, at this moment, cannot think of a time when I cheated someone. I hope I did not. I know all too well how totally crappy it feels to be cheated.
It's funny. As I review my particular situation, it's really more than cheating. Coming along with this behavior to deceive is a little pill bottle full of ancillary sins. Lies, pretense, trickery. Cheaters bamboozle, rip off, scam, swindle and victimize people. Yuk!
[Yes] I would like nothing better than to see a cheater brought to justice. Get what's coming to them. But what kind of person does that make me. Do I want to be eaten up with revenge? Do I want my happiness corroded? Would I want even a moment in my life withered from getting wrapped up in the bad acts of another?
GAD! It is so easy to say, no, of course not. But the affect on a real person, me, knowing someone cheated me, is much more heartfelt and profound. It is huge to be able to brush off this personal slight and move on without a reaction. The problem, at least for me, blog, is that I may be a bit sensitive. My heart feels the affect of an insult just as deeply as a loving act.
Sometimes I am this serious business woman, other times I am the life companion, I wear the mom hat and I'm ready with counsel, I am a dog lover and a fancier of self-improvement. Then, there's me, the person. I don't expect people to be rude, callous or dishonest… because I do not behave this way. Now, I see a bit of light into the… possibility that, at least in some situations, I may be somewhat naive. That can't be a bad thing. Except being too innocent and trusting can bounce back and smack me in the face. Hard.
That's what happened. I was crushed. Frozen in disbelief. Hurt. Angry. A puddle of dog, as my honey says when I get down and depressed. Here's the question I'd like the answer to.
How do I get myself 'uncheated?' Is there anything I can do to recover my losses? I want not to gallop down the revenge road, but what should I do? Am I supposed to roll over like a plucked chicken, forgive and forget? Or should I jump on the back of my white steed with nostrils flaring, raise my razor-sharp steel sword, and race after that cheater with fire in my eyes? Hmmm. [just fantasizing]
I am lost on this, blog. I need help. How should I feel? Will time heal all? Should I chalk this event up to a learning experience? Is this a turning point in my life? Willl my actions affect me and who I am for the better, or poorly?
It's a war in my heart between good and evil. I need more time to contemplate, to learn, to get help on this dilemma.
Bye for now, blog. Thanks for listening.
