Updated January 2024: God will soon welcome me back home, so I felt I should update this "diary" a bit. I
am blessed to have had the opportunity to be the mom of three wonderful
children.
I witnessed and shared so many moments with each of then. I got pregnant with Kim when I was 17 and gave birth when I was 18. She weighed 7 lbs 10 oz. I hope I have that right. It's been while.
Kimberly is not a Catholic Saints name. When she was baptized, my
priest politely scolded me for choosing a not-so-Catholic name.
Here's why I chose her name. I was young and immature. Like most new mothers, I collected sleepers, booties, receiving blankets, cloth diapers and diaper pins. I painted an old dresser.
After I had a baby girl, I made dresser drawer pulls using
“blocks” to spell out, “Kimmy Loves Mommy.”
Kim
was raised Catholic her whole life. My daughter and I were
close. I used to call her “dotty.” She was the best daughter a mother could ever want. My Honey and I wanted to be near our kids, We lived a couple of miles from Kim and her baby. Her brother moved in to help out.
Kim made mistakes, but she did the best she could. She had a baby boy when she was young and single. He was a toddler when she got married. Looking back, I don't think her husband liked us much. That's when our relationship started to deteriorate. Kim and I stopped talking on the phone. I didn't see her much. I understood. She was a married woman now.
One day she told me her new husband adopted her son. She never consulted me. Not a word. It was a complete surprise. Her son has a father. She had to tell him if she hadn't already. I hope he was okay with another man adopting his son. In any event, at the very least, I hope she told her son who his real father is when he was 18 years old. She owed him that. None of my business. I kept quiet.
Kim got more and more distant. She spent most of her time with her husband's family. She had a baby girl. I adored that sweet beautiful baby. I was involved with these grandchildren's lives as much as I was allowed. Invites became slim to none. I respected my daughter's wishes. I did the best I could.
Yeas flew by. Ater being ignored all year, she'd show up with her family for Christmas. I was glad about that.. until her kids stopped coming now and then.
Every Christmas I used to ask her to help me take down our Christmas tree. I thought it was a small request that could lead to seeing her more and sharing time together. Year after year she never did that little courtesy. Not once.
Out of the blue, she decided to leave the Catholic Church with no explanation, and she convinced her grown children to leave being a Catholic, too. I don't know her reason. I don’t like the current Pope, but I am not so shallow as to walk away from the church and more than five generations of my Catholic family, because I don’t like a priest or Pope or the homily.
Our relationship crossed over to disrespect when one year, knowing well how I felt about California, she traveled halfway across the country and put herself into the viper’s nest of hate that I had
rescued her and her brothers from decades earlier. She
knew I wouldn’t interfere with her decision. She was a grown woman. It was up to her to respect me or not.
Another time, she told me
she knew I wasn’t religious. I think those are the words she used.
This girl I thought was the best daughter... didn't know who her own mother was, or what I believed. It took some time for me to reconcile that in my mind. Another time, she made a blasphemous comment to my face about
“Mary, the mother of Jesus.”
For the last 20 years, probably
longer than that, Kim has given me the “cold shoulder.” I felt slighted
so many times. Kim turned her back on her own mother. I did not deserve that, but I overlooked her loss of love and respect and kept going... until I felt so hurt, it made me cry just to think about her. That was seven years ago.
Of course, that’s not
all. It’s just a tiny example of her brushing me off. I didn’t say
anything to her about how I felt, because I believe it’s up to adult children to be attentive to
their mother, especially when mom gets a little older. I guess most call it the circle of life: I take care of them when they need me growing up, and when I'm old, they take care of me.
I raised her, gave
her a mother’s love and supported the decisions she made. I never
snooped or stuck my nose into her affairs. I never judged her or
interfered in the relationship with her family. I never gossiped about
her to family members or repeated anything she said. I never made fun of
anything she said or did. I never called her a liar. I did what she wanted in regard to my relationship with her children. I never tried to come between her and hers. It broke my heart that I
felt more than taken for granted.
My daughter walked away from me and everything I believe years ago. How much pain is an aging mother supposed to endure?
I became convinced she has no idea who I am, what’s important to me, or what’s really important to me. How could she? She never took time to find out or understand what would hurt me. Now, I'm not sure that would have made a difference.
Kim
is a grandmother herself. She had no time to be a good daughter. Worst of all, she failed to teach
her children to respect me. That was her responsibility.
As a result, they lost that all important connection to their
ancestors, legacy, family. Knowledge that helps them feel whole and pass
that strength on to their children. I got the impression they didn't care even a little bit. If true, that's on Kim, not thm.
I believe my daughter has more than proved she made a choice to ignore everything I taught her and her brothers.
So
you see, even being the best mother I could be under horrific
circumstances, loving and caring for my precious children through great
sacrifices and trauma, the devil can take someone you love. Someone you gave your life for. She should know that I never thought about cutting her life out of my body. I never walked away from her.
I taught my children to always love each other. Kim didn't seem to learn. I believe that sons and daughters should "look in the mirror of their own life" and know that "You get what you give."
The decisions I made in my life were never about me, but now they have to be. I deserve to be happy.
As
I near the exit door of life, It took me a bit of time to accept that I
can't change the past. I have to stop suffering. I can’t be worry-mom
anymore. I have to accept them as adults who must lead their life, make
their mistakes and hopefully be happy with the choices they make. Kim made it clear for years, she and her children don't want me in their lives.
I browse these pages. I looks like we were such a happy
family. I tried so hard to make their lives better than mine. The few pictures and words I wrote made me realize at the end of
the day, that’s all we have. Memories.
These are the trials and tribulations I have lived and learned. ///