It's going to be relaxing. Something I could absolutely use. A darkened room with only the glow from our TV screen, a fresh bowl of popcorn and my blankie. Yes, it's a hot summer, but my cover up is mainly a tradition and with the air conditioning running, it's a light warmup.
I can't wait. Speaking of impatience, I am really not an impatient person. On the contrary, I am very patient. In my quest to discover who I am (at this stage of my life), I take these few moments to reflect on my own faults. Yikes! Who wants to look in the eye of your own faults??? That can't be fun.
For me, it is an awakening. So I am going to do it. The first thing I notice is that I am not the same person I was a decade ago, even two decades ago. I may have the same values, probably improved values, but the way I see things and the way I react to things is completely different.
Here is the sad truth, blog. Some people, who knew me then and now, might say that I was a pushover. A namby-pamby. The truth is that I was sheltered as a girl. Not at all worldly. I was not exposed to what most kids bump into today, and are the wiser for it as a result. I didn't know there were perverts, for example. People who any normal person should be able to trust, but who deceived me. This caused me to suffer unexpected abuse that I didn't know how to handle or what to do about it.
As I reflect on these happenings, I see now that these attacks and assaults had a profound affect on my life, going forward, as I think back. If that makes sense.
As I search my soul to discover who I am now, I see at this very moment, how who I was then impacts who I am now. Who I have become. For better or worse, my life is like a path, carved out from each step I took. Each decision I made. Each collision I had with someone else. This is the roadmap of my life. I can't change it. It has already happened. It is.
I wonder what it is? Can I take this information and weave it into a better blanket for myself today and tomorrow? Or were some instances so full of harm that I can't fix it enough… and move on.
I like to include the good snapshots, too. As I reflect on how I got to be who I am, it is like a slide show full of memorable photo slides. I see these pictures in my mind. I am sure I've mentioned this before, blog. Here's one: I remember my 5th birthday party. Can you imagine? Who remembers childhood at that young age?
Here's another: I remember the day I wanted to get out of school early, so when the kids who took the bus stood up to march in line to the school bus, I left, too, got on the bus and was stuck. I didn't know where to get off! It was a calamity, but my sister was there, as she so often was, to save me and protect me. Nice. Sisters are a treasure.
So, there are plenty of good memories that mold my life, and I do concentrate on these joys that make me smile. It's the less-than-goodies I need to grab hold of and squash, crush into bite size pieces and feed them to my dogs in a goulash with noodles. Then, I will have peace and the path to a better future.
All the sad, frightening and days of crying can't be a shadow over my life anymore. I stand and fight. I will not give in. I will have what is mine. I am educated. Smart. And no push over. For anyone who still has that memory of me, brace yourself. I take no prisoners today.
What do you think of my resolve today, blog?