When a family member passes, the mood turns sad for sure. The heart breaks, tears flow and the voice cracks. It is a difficult time for all. What do you say to offer your condolences? What do you say that is from the heart? What do you say that isn't the obvious and makes you sound stupid, maybe even insincere?
This year, our family lost three. My mother passed in March. My little puppy dog passed in August. My brother-in-law went to heaven this week.
Even though my mother was up there in age, it was a surprise. She fell ill, went to the hospital and was gone in just days. This was shocking. It was like a bolder racing down the side of a mountain, pounding the pavement and crashing into a gazillion pieces. I was stunned, speechless and numb. Unfortunately for me, several family members had a callous disregard for my feelings. That made my grief doubly difficult.
As for Wolfie, our little pup, I know he's not a human, but the loss of a beloved dog can be devastating. It was. Wolf man lived as part of our family for 15 years. Even though we could see that he was deteriorating, it was in the back of our mind that he would live on for another few years. He didn't.
These two losses hit me hard. I didn't notice at the time, but now that I look back on it, most people didn't really know what to say to me. Some said nothing. Some voiced a few short sentences. Time passed. The healing goes on.
This month, the shoe is on my sister's foot. Her hubby of 50 years passed. The sad upon sad part is that she thought from the doctors that he would live on more weeks and possibly months. But eyes and departed in days not months. What do you say? I wanted to say more than the proverbial "I'm sorry for your loss." I called and stumbled through some words of sorrow. I sent a sympathy card and blathered on about how sad I am for my sister. I texted my support. But somehow, I feel as if I didn't express my sense of loss as well as I could.
The last thing I wanted to do was lecture. You know... tell her what she should do, or how she should feel. I got some of that and it wasn't well received (although I know people mean well). That's why I think there should be some way to let a loved one know that they are not alone. I care about how my sister must be feeling. I want to help, but who can really help in this circumstance.
What do you say that makes sense? How can you express your feelings without seeming condescending or preachy? How do you behave? When is too much visiting, too much calling, too much? Let her catch her breath. Let her grieve. Give her time. That's the best gift and a good way to lend supportÖ without interfering or being intrusive.
People do mean well. The things to remember are this: People feel the loss of a loved one in different degrees. They handle loss differently. But it's the same pain and a definite time for respect.
The biggest thing I can do for my sister is not abandon her once the services are done and time passes.
What I mean is that there's usually a rush of friends and family up to and shortly after the funeral services. There's an avalanche of fuss and then nothing.
I think many people think that funeral services are the end of the story. They pay their respects and that's it. [Yes] It is a new beginning for the departed, but for the loved ones who remain, it is also a new beginning.
Unfortunately, beginning again can be a tough nut to crack, because grief can grab you or numb you and stop you from moving on. Family support is the best medicine [sorry for the cliche]. Share memories, good times, be there, listen long, don't enable, but provide an outlet, because a new beginning needs a lot of support from those who care.